Cruise

Sean and I are leaving to go on our cruise tomorrow. The kids will be staying here with my parents and at the eve of my trip I'm anticipating my sad heart as I leave them behind. Sean and I haven't taken a trip together without kids since our honeymoon 7 years ago, so it's a much needed trip, but still my heart is a little scared to leave them. They probably won't even notice I'm gone, but I will!

On a crazy note: through facebook I found out that some friends of ours from our Sunday school class that moved away a few years ago to Georgia, are on the SAME cruise as us! How crazy is that! Boy did God have his hand on that one. No one else could have orchestrated that. So it will be so much fun to have some friends on the cruise with us. We can all miss our kids together!

Also looks like the hurricanes are going to dodge us! Ya! I was so worried last week that the ship might not even come get us! But it's all working out great and I know we are going to have so much fun. And maybe I'll have access to the Internet and I'll be able to share some of it with you all!

Bon Voyage!

Find Him Waiting

I wanted to share this song with you guys because it means so much to me. For sometime now I had felt like God wasn't talking to me. I didn't "feel" His presence. And through the Christian life this is a normal thing. It's a way of growing in your faith with Him. But I so desperately wanted to feel his presence as it says in this song. And here, in the midst of my own personal sorrow, I felt Him. And it feels so good to feel His presence again and to see Him work in so many ways in my life. What a blessing it is! I was writing to my friend Megan about the whole thing and it sums up what I'm trying to say here.

"God was so faithful in his love for me in what could have been the darkest moment so far in my life. Radically, with His glory and Majesty, He put His comforting arms around me. He showed himself more to me in these last 2 weeks than He ever had in my life. I'm in love with Him even more so now. I wouldn't wish a tragedy like that on anyone but I would wish that everyone could experience Him like I have the last few weeks. And it really was amazing how he prepared me in my faith before it happened."

So listen to this song, it's speaking from my heart. Especially when he talks about the widow raising her arms to Him. I raise my arms to Him because He is SO GOOD!

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil

Fought with the lion, sent through the fire

I've been in the valley when it was dry

Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero

My life has never been that kind

But there is one thing that I hold onto

I am yours, and Lord you are mine

CHORUS And through all these years

You have been there

Dried all my tears and answered my prayers

I just want to feel your presence again

I'm down on my knees in need a friend

And I find you waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow

And still raise her hands in the midst of it all

And Lord I'm reminded what I was weary

You carried me, yes you carried me

BRIDGE In the midst of a struggle

There is one thing I know

You'll never leave me, no never alone

Dillard Update

If the kids don't keep me busy enough this dang dog just keeps it coming! Don't get me wrong, I love her. If it weren't for the love she would have been long gone. Her daily swims in the pond in our backyard with me screaming, "NO DILLARD!!!!!!!!" , then bathing her and her pouting outside because she can't come in, are exhausting. She also has a fascination for my books (among other things...especially MY things.) She will stand up and pull a book I'm reading off the dresser and tear it to threads, even hard back books. The latest was a book my mother in law lent me about The Worst Dog Ever. I did have to laugh that "my worst dog ever" tore that book up!

But there's also the oh so sweet side of her. Her love is just so sweet. And she thinks she is a lap dog and loves to just jump right up in my lap. Below is a picture of her laying on me while we were over at my parents watching the Olympics. She's actually fast asleep in the picture laying on her back. So funny!

She's also amazing at chasing things. Actually caught and killed a squirrel a few weeks ago. She'll chase anything that moves. She especially loves chasing lizards. So....the adventure continues as we try and mold and shape this oh so smart dog into our oh so behaving friend!

Asher Update

Asher is now almost 16 months old and growing up so fast. He so desperately wants to be able to do everything his big brothers can do. Just today he got so frustrated when he couldn't swim all around the pool like they were.

I stopped nursing on August 19th. The night before was his last nighttime feeding. He nursed the longest of all three. Boston was 13 months and Dallas was 12 months and Asher was 15 months.

He also got a new tooth about 3 weeks ago, his 4th upper tooth.

He's amazing with his hands, able to do things most 15 month olds can't do. He uses his fork and spoon like a pro. He LOVES to eat. He will actually go to the high chair and try to climb in, begging me to get in. He even recently used sign language to tell me "MORE". I've never super encouraged sign language, just a little here and there with them. It's amazing he got it!

He just started taking 1 nap a day since the boys started school. It was perfect timing since it would be a little hard for him to take the afternoon one with Boston's pickup at 2:50pm. But he will sometimes take one in the car to pick him up.

His new favorite thing to do is use my keys to pretend to open lots of stuff. He'll just stand at the front door pretending to open the door and he LOVES to walk to the mailbox and play forever with the key there.

He's also amazing with cars and trains. He will make a "rrrr" sound and have them move on the ground. He imitates all the things his big brothers do. And he LOVES to dance. When any song comes on he's moving to the music!


In the pictures he's playing with another one of his favorite toys recently. A Thomas the Train learning laptop. It will occupy him forever!

Our pond

Our pond has been dried up now for a few years with the lake of rain. So secretly we've been hoping for some rain from a hurricane or tropical storm because that's the only way the water is going to rise. So thankfully with the hurricane rain we have a pond again! And the ducks we have missed so much are back as well. I'll have to post a picture of the boys when they were so much younger with our very large pond (after the 4 hurricanes we got a few years back) feeding all of our baby ducks. They new Boston's voice and would come running when he called them, "Hey ducks! Come here." So we feed the ducks and are so enjoying the beauty of the pond again. Hopefully they will turn on the water fountain again too!

Wii and Bike riding

My dad got a Wii for his birthday and the boys and Sean playing it for the first time a few weeks ago. All three of the kids loved it so much that we will probably have to ask Santa to bring one for Christmas.

Boston has been working hard learning to ride his bike without training wheels since they broke. He's doing so good and rode so far today without any help. I was so proud of him. Although since school started we really haven't found time to practice much

Buring Shiloh

I had several people suggest to us that we should name the baby. At first I didn't want to, but then I thought it might be a good idea. So I was looking online for some baby names and came across an article about naming your miscarried baby and how important it is for your healing and also for the other children in the family. If you don't they feel like they have to continue the importance of the baby all on their own. But none of the names Sean and I had even discussed felt like they fit the baby. Especially because we didn't know the sex yet.

So I knew the name needed to be a name that could be for a boy or a girl. I also wanted the name to be a city name to continue on our city naming tradition. I wanted to like the sound of the name. And finally I wanted the name to mean something great, something to do with their short life, and how meaningful it was, even at its short length. I had no idea how I was going to find a name that met all those criteria so....I PRAYED. As I was searching online I stopped and prayed to God to give me the perfect name and for me to know right away that it was the right one. Then, out of nowhere in my searching the name just leap off the screen at me

SHILOH

What a BEAUTIFUL name! Then I started reading about it:

It's a boy or girls name

I love the sound of it

It was the site of a crucial battle in the American Civil War

It means "His Gift" or "God's Gift"

Also means "he who was sent"

Could there be a more PERFECT name? There is no question in my mind that this name was given to me by God. I have never even heard of anyone named Shiloh before. And to be honest, it feels so right. And it feels nice to have given a name to our baby.

Monday morning Sean and I buried Shiloh by ourselves at the lakehouse. Everyone else was off doing other things and we took a moment to be quiet and find a perfect stop at the lake, over looking the water and near the kids playground. We didn't pray because honestly I don't think we could have gotten through a prayer. God knew our thoughts and he knows our hearts and nothing needed to be said. This baby was and is loved deeply and we will look forward to one day meeting him or her in heaven. (of course Sean still swears it was a boy.) I plan on getting or making a rock of some kind with a saying, verse or something on it. Don't know what yet, but I'm sure God will lead me to it just as he has everything else.

There seemed to be so much stress lifted off of my shoulders that I didn't even know I was caring around. It was like it was all finalized and done and now I can continue to move forward. I think the burial was stressing me out and I didn't even know it. A part of me didn't want to bury Shiloh because it seemed to be the forever goodbye. I was holding on to him/her. But once I let Shiloh go it was a freeing to me. I know it wasn't for forever and what a great gift I have waiting for me when I arrive. I can only think of my grandma holding my precious baby in heaven. What a beautiful site! Now she has truly gotten to meet one of my children.

Lakehouse escape

We went away to my parents lakehouse this weekend to get away. We had some friends out on Saturday and that was really nice because it rained all day. The rest of the weekend the boys had a great time playing. Dillard especially loved playing in the lake for the first time!She didn't want to let Boston out of his sight

The boys even got to play on Uncle Hess' sailboat
I fought back emotions all weekend. I think it was because I knew we were going to bury the baby this weekend. Saturday night we went to Applebees to get Mudslides (something I had wanted to do before I got pregnant this past time but never did). That was a lot of fun. Sean went in town on Sunday and got his new car, a Buick Enclave. Its beautiful and I'm so happy he has finally gotten the car he has wanted for so long. A friend of the family that is pregnant and is at the same point I would have been was out at the lake and that made it a little difficult for me. But I pushed back tears and tried to be alone a bit. Suzanne and I got swamped by Wes and Sean playing Hand and Foot.

Bring the Rain

It's amazing to me how many people read my first post on the miscarriage. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and emails. To be honest I really didn't think anyone would read it because it's so long. I wrote that late that evening after everyone had gone to bed and I desperately needed to process everything that had happened. For me the best way to do that is by writing and journalling. It's very therapeutic for me. I was taken by surprise when you all said how it touched you deeply. Of course I'm beyond touched by the entire experience, but for so many of you to walk down that road beside me is overwhelming to me. Thank you for all your love you have showered on me. It means more than I can write to you all. I feel wrapped up in love, peace, hope, joy, and understanding.

And maybe someday if someone else has to go down this same road I have, they can find comfort in knowing someone else has been there. And find peace in knowing how God can bless you even in sad circumstances like these. He's greater than anything we can understand and He can do ALL THINGS!

Below are the lyrics to a song that I have always loved but has taken on MUCH more meaning now. It says everything!

BRING THE RAIN by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

HCG levels dropping

Today has been a hard day.


My emotions are oh so raw today.


We had a crazy morning getting everyone to school (shoes went MIA this morning and it put the whole day off schedule). When I finally got home I got Asher to bed and called to get my HCG (this is the hormone your body produces when you are pregnant and what actually makes the second line appear on the pregnancy test strip) levels from my blood work yesterday. They were 2025. I had my HCG levels checked a few weeks ago and my last one was in the 4000 range. Immediately when I got off the phone I started crying...and crying...and crying. I think I've realized that as long as I'm around people I'm okay, but it's when I'm alone that my emotions get so....emotional. The level was just another reminder that the pregnancy was over. My levels will drop until eventually they are at 0, which will probably happen next week.

I think the hard thing after you miscarry is the constant reminder with the bleeding and the fact that my clothes don't fit because my little belly had already started to pouch out. But, like I have said before, I just have to keep pushing into God. There I find peace, answers, hope and joy in this situation.