Tears

Today I think many things hit me. I'm so overwhelmed with so much at the moment. I've been reading a lot about sensory integration disorder and Asperger's and such and I'm hearing a lot more even about this gluten free/casin free diet and how it works wonders. I really think we need to do that. But I'm overwhelmed at the thought of that, what an undertaking. And I'm overwhelmed with things that need to change in the house to help it not seem overwhelming to Dallas, like more structure in the house. Of course we don't even know if there is a "specific" thing that is effecting his behavior or if any of these things will help so that of course makes me question to what degree to even do them. If someone said to me, "change this and the result will be this." I think I might be able to handle it better and go with the change a little easier. But it's all a guessing game at this point. We won't know anything from the behavioral specialist until early December, 2 MONTHS AWAY. That seems like a lifetime sometimes.

I think the miscarriage is also effecting me now as well. Of course God probably knew I couldn't handle being pregnant and then having a new born while trying to adjust to all this going on in our lives. And then of course China being closed was yet another dead end.

So lately I have felt many doors being slammed in my face and the picture of my future changing before my eyes. And I think maybe I'm having a hard time accepting that. So this morning when I woke up I knew I could feel the emotions welling up inside of me. I felt angry at God for throwing so much at me in these last two months. And it's Sunday, time for church. So I prayed this morning for him to speak to me in a big way because I'm just so confused, overwhelmed and the anxiety is killing me. I needed him to move me, talk to me, comfort me and tell me its all going to be okay.

I don't think I can ever recall crying at church but this morning the water runnith over! I couldn't stop. And I SO hate to cry in public, hopefully no one saw me. Our music minister said, I know some of you out there today are hurting. So lets take a moment to pray for you (this is not something they do regularly) He asked for those around them to lay hands on them and pray. Suzanne moved in between Sean and I and the then the minister started singing the one song that has kept coming to my mind lately. "Word of God Speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty, To be still and know, That You're in this place Please let me stay and rest, In Your holiness, Word of God speak" Wow did he speak to me this morning. Then later in the service several members of the church had signs that they walked on stage with saying things they had struggled with and then turned it over to reveal God's majesty in them. It was so powerful for me. I know he's in control and he will make all things good.

We were supposed to go to Disney today with Sean's parents but Sean said I really needed the day to myself. And he was right. I probably wouldn't have made it through the week without that. So I went to the mall, ate, shopped, sat in the car and read a bit, and went to Whole Foods to research Gluten Free stuff. It was refreshing and just what I needed. Now I feel like I have perspective and I'm not so caught up in how I'm "feeling". I need to guide my heart and not focus on the emotions so much. I'm ready week...bring it on!