Mourning my baby

This is a hard blog to write, but one I do feel needs to be written........ I miscarried our precious baby last night at around 7pm.

I haven't blogged all weekend because it's been a very dark and scary weekend. Friday afternoon at 4:30 I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I immediately called the doctors office because I have never even spotted with either of the other three pregnancies. The doctors were already gone for the day and the nurse told me I needed to proceed to the ER. I immediately thought this was a pretty rash decision on her part since it wasn't even that much blood. So, I prayed about it, and very strongly felt that we shouldn't go. I later called the doctor and he said that he didn't think I needed to come either, to wait and call if things got worse. I did continue to bleed, and get scared. We had gone over to my parents house to celebrate Suzanne's b-day and the whole time I couldn't help but think that maybe I might miscarry. Sean seemed very confident that everything would be fine. My parents said they would keep the boys and we took Asher home because the doctor said I needed to take it easy tomorrow. In the morning the blood had slowed down, Sean went to a conference and I SAT on the couch. My sweet friend Carrie surprised me and came over to keep me company because she had had a miscarriage. It really was a blessing to have her there. But later in the afternoon the cramping started coming and the blood came more. Scared again I called the on call doctor, Dr C, and he said that I was more than welcome to come to the ER just to see what was going on so I didn't have to worry about it all weekend, but there really wasn't anything he could do to help. I felt a very strong conviction again not to go to the ER. Hours of waiting and being exposed to who knows what just to calm my nerves seemed pretty selfish. But again, it kept getting worse.

I went to bed Saturday night and woke up Sunday morning convinced that I now wanted to go to the ER because I needed to know. I called and, God Bless the Lord, Dr Walker was on call! Immediately he told me to go lay down, not to dare come to the ER because there was nothing he could do and I needed to be on bedrest. SOOO...all day I did nothing. Suzanne and Wes came by to visit after church and brought Krispie Kreme doughnuts and it seemed like the day would never end. We went over to my parents to watch the closing ceremonies of the Olympics (since we don't have tv) and the cramping and bleeding just kept getting worse. I thought for sure this was it. We headed home, and just like Saturday night, I cried the whole ride home quietly to myself. I got home and called Dr Walker and said I think it's happening and he told me not to give up. He said he's seen this many times and everything turns out fine. He told me to take 800 mlgs of advil and go to bed. This was to slow the uterus down and the cramping. It worked and I got some sleep.

Through the weekend, although I was scared out of my mind, I did feel a trust in God. A trust I'm not sure I have ever felt with Him. I truly gave the baby to Him. I asked that His will be done because only He knows the whole picture. I'm only seeing this small part of it, and I truly have to trust him whole heartedly. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and that it's not scary. But I felt like I had come to grips with whichever way the outcome would go. And I really think that having read the book The Shack recently had put me on a whole different understanding of my relationship with God. I loved Him, even through all this pain, I trusted Him and I cherished His love for me.

So Monday morning I got up and called right at 8am to get an appointment to see what was going on. And God used His hand one again with letting an appt be open with Dr Hill, who is almost impossible to get into. He was putting me in awesome hands, and hands that I knew so well and trusted and really cared for my well being (not that the other doctors in the practice didn't, but I just have a closer relationship and history with Dr Walker and Hill). I told Sean to go ahead and go to work and get his mind off of it and I would call right away if something was happening. My mom dropped the kids off at school and went with me and Asher. My girlfriend Carrie met me at the doctors and my mom waited in the lobby with Asher while carry accompanied me in the room. Right away when Dr Hill walked in he seemed very confident that everything was going to be just fine and that it was probably just a blood clot. I, of course, had prepared myself for the absolute worse. So when I saw the heartbeat on the sonogram it was one of the most beautiful things I had seen. Carrie was there holding my hand and crying. We saw the blood clot and he said that my chances of miscarriage would be a little higher because of it, but he really thought everything would be fine because of the strong heartbeat. Relieved, blessed and happy I headed off to pick Dallas up from school. To celebrate I went to lunch with my brother and was just so joyful God had answered all the prayers that so many of my friends had prayed with me.

I was so happy to be off bedrest, that the baby was healthy, and that Boston and Dallas were back at home again! My other awesome friend Val brought me a celebratory dinner that was just amazing and the boys and I enjoyed that great dinner waiting for daddy to get home. I got everyone ready for bed and they had picked out their books when the cramping suddenly got worse. But I still wasn't worried. I told the boys that I didn't think mommy would be able to read the books tonight, and felt bad to disappoint them. I put Asher in the crib, crying and ran to the bathroom. It happened so quickly. The pain was like labor pains but it was very fast. And it happened. The worst possible thing for a pregnant woman. Suddening I was holding my baby inside the sac. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant and the first thing I could think of was that every woman on earth that is considering abortion should see what an 8 week baby looks like. It looks just like a baby. With eyes and arms and legs. It's beautiful. Truly beautiful. And in the midst of this horrible tragedy God hugged me. He blessed me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. He showed me more love than I can explain. My heart broke, but it also broke for those woman, who not having known all the truth, aborted a baby. And I hope they all now understand that God still loves then and forgives them. But it also broke for those women who are facing this decision. It makes me want to scream from the roof tops, "DON'T DO IT!" They don't understand. Because even I, who have carried three babies, still did not understand what the baby at 8 weeks was like. Of course I had seen pictures and computer generated video, but you can't possibly understand until you have seen with your own eyes and held it in your hand. But I knew right away that my baby was with Jesus in heaven and was now an angel looking down on me. I know that motherhood is eternal and that one day I will meet my baby. But my heart still broke....but I still had 2 little boys right outside my door wondering what mommy was doing in there....

So no crying, I had to pull myself together right away and go back to that later. Thankfully Sean got there right about then and got the boys to bed. I grieved in the bathroom, not wanting to leave the baby honestly. My womb felt lonely without it in their. But once I got it all out I came out and Boston was waiting on me, not really knowing what was going on, other than mommy doesn't feel good. He wanted to scratch my back and take care of me. He's just so sweet. I finally got him to bed and it was then that Sean, I think, felt like I had a grip on myself so he could grieve alone.

My friend Carrie came over and it was very nice because, being a woman, I needed to talk, and I think Sean just needed to be alone for a little while. So Carrie and I talked and she shared her experience and she shared a sweet card someone wrote to her after she miscarried about a starfish. How a starfish, when having lost a leg, grows it back, but even stronger. And how the part that was cut off grows on it's own. I had endured this horrible pain, but God will make me stronger because of it. And she brought me my own starfish. Throughout the last few days God has shown me many things and one of them is how blessed I am to be surrounded by some of the best friends a girl could ask for!

Carrie left and I took a shower and went to bed. I had decided that I would still take Boston to school in the morning and try and go about the day normally. I have 3 boys to take care of, and I can't mourn in bed for days. Sean stayed home and we took him to school. I walked up to his class and saw my friend Tammy and immediately started crying. And I hate crying in public. Sean and I took Dallas and Asher to my parents and headed to the doctors. I starting crying right when the doctor walked in. I feel like my emotions are so raw right now I never know what's going to happen. She pulled the placenta out and confirmed that everything looked good. Sean and I had lunch together at Chili's, trying so badly to take our minds off of it. I said we should go look at buying him a car. So that's what we did all afternoon and it helped so much. Keeping busy was the best thing to do. Sitting around thinking about it wasn't going to help. Many friends called and wrote and it touched me deeply. I couldn't really talk on the phone because I was worried I might get upset and i just needed some time to grieve.

I had a homeroom mom and PTO meeting to go to at Boston's school so Sean went with me to be supportive and it was nice to see Tammy and laugh and have some fun. My parents brought all the kids back to our house and had them in bed when we got home. What a blessing they have been this whole weekend!!!! I don't know what I would have done without their help with the boys. And I know they must be completely exhausted from them, but they were very quick to just take them. After they left Wes and Suzanne showed up with a late dinner, ice cream and flowers (the ones pictured) and we spent some time with them. Honestly I think the busier and more people I'm around right now, the better. Sitting here by myself only makes my mind wander.

Tomorrow my best friend Jessica is flying in from New York. God's hand was completely over this. She got a job in a Brighthouse Commercial and is flying in tomorrow night. What perfect timing!!!

So that brings me to day. I can't believe that 25% of women have a miscarriage. I can't believe that many woman have to go through this same thing. Sean and I have decided to bury the baby, probably this weekend. We aren't quite ready to do it yet. As for now, I'm going to take it day by day.